I climbed the stairs slowly, the slap of my flip flops against my heels echoing in the stairwell. I was climbing up, up to sunlight and broken promises and an old lie branded on my heart. I heard the buzz of conversations as I reached the top, the sound amplifying and reverberating the shaky feeling in my belly. The sensation had begun the night before with the whisper of his name in my ear; a friend had called to tell me that at last Ethan had come home. All the pain and fear I had pushed out of my heart had unleashed itself in the pit of my stomach like a thousand caged birds desperate to be free. All this because of a boy that burned like the sun and the old shattered promise that lay between us like broken glass and dried leaves.
The buzz grew louder and louder, pounding in my head until it seemed my very heartbeat was in tune. It was the symphony of young voices and worship practice. I reached the top of the stairs and looked around at the people mingling at the entrance to my youth room. It was the last day of spring break and you could see it in the groans of complaints about school tomorrow. The taste of summer had been sipped and there was no going back.
Mea turned to me, her loud voice rising above the buzz and speaking to me. Her Asian ancestry whispered from the shape of her eyes and the hue of her skin and the beauty radiating from her like a flame. I smiled a half-hearted smile and grieved a little that the only thing that held us together now was him. He had held both of our hearts in his hand and had chosen her. But I wasn’t bitter; I learned a long time ago that boys like that don’t choose girls like me.
She kept talking, her voice running up high and dropping down low with words like “maybe” and “back together again”. We waded through the pools of people to the bathroom with her voice still chasing me. The cold sanitized air struck my warm face as I pushed open the door and spilled my make-up out on the counter before me. She leaned up against the wall as I looked at myself in the mirror. I had changed since I was thirteen, my body morphing into a woman’s; my face shifting and maturing. Three years did a lot to change a person, and I somehow hoped I had the strength to confront this phantom that now lived. I looked again at Mea; I had not been given the beauty that flowed so naturally out of her, but I did have strength. Strength was my gift. I popped open the clasp of my eye shadow and rubbed the brush into the brown-grey powder and swept it into the crease of my eye. I carefully lined my lids with liner and brushed mascara on slowly. I studied myself in the mirror and hoped that the make-up would hide the fear in my eyes. I smiled wide at Mea from beneath my mask and left the cool air of the room for the crowd and sunshine of the next.
We parted ways and I let my feet take me to the little table in the corner where Rachel and Meagan were playing checkers. I smiled at them easily. Rachel was the one who had called me about the whole thing; she had known Ethan and known the whole situation when it happened. I watched the checkers move as the game progressed. They were small and made of shaded glass ink black and clear white. I sat there with the buzz in my head and the flutter in my belly wishing life moved as simply as a game of checkers. Rachel’s voice broke through my thoughts, the pitch and tone of it telling me all I needed to hear, he was here.
He wore a crisp white button up shirt with blue stripes and edges so sharp it hurt. The sleeves were carelessly rolled up just below his elbow and tanned arms were pushed into his jean pockets. His brown hair had been cut close to his head and was hidden under a white baseball hat. His face looked exactly the same, just a little older and with a stronger jaw line. His eyes were still the color of hot caramel that burns and sticks to your finger; only it was stuck on my heart. It was Ethan, exactly the same and totally different. It was my phantom fleshed out with a life of his own.
Then Rachel pulled me up and we were walking towards him and Mea. My heart was beating faster and faster and the buzz was rising in my head until I could barely think. I was acutely aware of the time that stood between who we were then and who we were now and the old broken promise filling up the space between us like ashes.
And then we were there, right there, and I could have reached out and touched him. But he didn’t see me yet. People were talking and laughing, but all I felt was fear dry in my mouth and my heart squeezing tighter and tighter. I jerked my head up when I heard Rachel laughing and saw her pull out the old picture of him and Mea from when we were thirteen. He took it between his fingers and I stared at his hands, reminded of how I had held them when he had prayed to receive Christ and how his tears had fallen on our tangled hands.
He held it gingerly between his fingers, a bit of red tinting his face and an embarrassed laugh coming forth. His gaze wandered over the top of the photo and fell on me. I saw recognition, surprise, and guilt all flash through his eyes before the picture wobbled in his fingers and slipped through as his hand loosened in surprise. He was flustered, and grabbed for it, pinching it between his fingers before fluttering it at me and whispering “Hi.”
I felt a laugh on my lips and was amazed to find the buzz gone and the fluttering coming up from inside in the form of laughter. I grinned at him and felt the years melt between us. He made a gesture with his hands and a plead with his eyes that felt like a question. “Forgive me?” it asked, and I nodded slightly. I saw the relief wash through him like cold blue water and wondered if maybe I had left a brand on his heart too.
I was surprised when he opened his arms and stepped towards me. As he pulled me into a hug I had to stand on my tiptoes to avoid being smooshed into his chest. I rested my chin on his shoulder and could smell a wisp of cologne on his neck. My toes began to hurt and he squeezed me tighter for a minute before letting go and stepping back. And with that I felt the hot caramel peel off my heart.
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cold
accomplished
aggravated
cheerful
blah
giggly
anxious
worried
contemplative
drained